‘Don’t fancy yours much…’
photo Bruce Gilden/ Magnum
Internet dating is hell. Yes it is, don’t argue. You all seem to know someone who knows someone who, ‘met a lovely man on the internet.’ But how desperate were they? How much time did they have on their hands to trawl through 47, 962,73 matches – getting constantly depressed by the arrogance of boring looking blokes with bad spelling and a love of action films who fancied their chances with someone half their age? How much money did they spend on automatically updated monthly subscription fees before they sussed out the right formulae to escape from Derek in Chatham winking at them ,with a profile picture taken on his webcam which made you fear for the muscles in his right arm? Internet dating is hell. And everyone on these sites, the pseudo-intelligent Guardian Soulmates, the eHarmoniums, the okcupids with their text-speak messages,’wanna ave sum fun???? insert winking face.’ No thank you 27 year old Darren from only 5 miles away, I’d rather not.
And you all lie about your age. On Tinder you think it’s a joke to put that you’re 78 when you are obviously in your early 30s but then you accuse me of lying when I put that I’m 64. Some guys on Soulmates had the same photo when I first looked in 2004. The last guy I had a date with – from the Guardian site – said he was 67. He looked attractive in a vaguely salty sea-dog meets John Updike kind of way. And he had hair. Oh no he didn’t Elaine, he had a wig. And a wife. And a hole and stains on his ankle-swinging Chinos. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I wanted to take him back to his care home. I Googled him, he was an American academic. Born 1936. 78. Jeez. Women lie about their age just as much, I used to. I know I look and act younger than the the stereotypical perception of an over-sixties pensioner with a Freedom Pass and 59 put me into the 50 – 60 age group search. My daughter was appalled at my deception and I shamefully adjusted it to reality and got fuck all contact, apart from 78 year olds.
Internet dating is hell but how else am I going to meet a new partner? My dog is not my best friend, I am not ‘happier on my own’, I like men. Well, some of them but they are usually married to one of my friends, gay, underage or related to me. So I will continue to practise a bit of S&M and tell you all about it. That’s enough for now I think.