Tits – Breast Cancer Part 1

photo: Helmut Newton

I love my tits. I really do. They have fed three children and amused men. My nipples are enormous. I blame my mother. I was mortified when the obstetrician at Hammersmith, when pregnant with Jamie Matthew George back in 1979 took one look and announced, ‘Well, I hope you’re not going to waste THOSE!’

And now, I have breast cancer. Fuck pink ribbons and midnight walks, badly cut T-shirts and collecting boxes. I really don’t need this. Am I angry? Hell, yeah.

I didn’t have a lump. I had a mammogram. A dodgy mammogram.

‘We have located calcium granules in your right breast.’

Which, apparently meant:

a] I had limescale in me old kettle

b] cells had gone awol cos of cancer

I lost.

I’m angry.

I like my tits and have a full summer planned. With both tits.

I really don’t have time for this.

‘I don’t want to be an orphan,’ says my daughter on Facetime from Greece.

I don’t want to die. Or have one tit. I’ll never get a boyf.

Of course I won’t die, mammogram diagnosis is shit hot and I’m lucky they caught it early. But suddenly, I don’t trust my body. No part of it. Have a got a swelling in my neck? What’s that funny feeling in my leg? Last night I extracted a piece of stitching from the site of a basel cell carcinoma biopsy I had in my arm in March.

I won’t even mention the lump on the back of my head where I fell over at a wedding in June. The heel on my gold stilettos broke, honest guv’.

I’m adrift.


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2 Responses to Tits – Breast Cancer Part 1

  1. brigid keenan says:

    Mine was diagnosed via a dimple – no one ever told me to watch out for a dimple. I was terrified – my sister died of breast cancer – but now it is 8 years since I had a lumpectomy (I was lucky, no masectomy) and I have forgotten it all until now. I hope you have the same good luck as me….

    • elaine says:

      Thanks Brigid, have only just found your comment. I am v reassured by my treatment at Barts